In what follows - I wrote this for my eyes only, initially - I candidly share some of the childhood wounds that have imprinted unworthiness, worthlessness and a deep lack of self-love within me. Wounds I am still learning to craddle with love, forgiveness and compassion as I progress on my healing journey. As you read this piece, please don't feel bad for me, nor compare your sufferings to mine and beat yourself up - it is my belief that we each chose our own traumas to work through, that we chose our parents (I love and have deep compassion for mine), based on the soul lessons we most need to learn in this lifetime. My intention, rather, is for you to simply read this with an eye cast inside of yourself, as a reminder that whilst being ego stories in the adult mind, our inner children's pains and hurts are very real. My wish is to give you perhaps, too, a new awareness of the very tangible self-sabotage, resistance or blocks to moving forward - to unlocking your highest potential - that these wounds can create. Unconscious blocks can become clearer as we take the seat of the observer, looking back at events in our life and our reactions to them. This letter exemplifies this, as you will hopefully recognize (self)-rejection and (self)-abandonment as recurring themes in my own life.
Early traumas do leave deep marks in our electromagnetic fields. Dense, lower-frequency energies that we broadcast out into the quantum field in every single now and that, by the laws of quantym physics, are causing us to attract physical experiences of an equal vibration. Because I associated the meaning "I am not good enough" to being abandoned for instance, I subconsciously attracted events later on that would reinforce that belief. The day I looked inside and became aware of these beliefs - the day I remembered my worth and declared to myself: 'no more!' - was the day my healing journey began.
The process of healing can be a life-long one, but it is one that can end with the full release of all self-limiting beliefs - which are energy thought-forms - trapped emotions and other energetic imbalances in our bio-fields. Through our physical experiences, through our relationships, I believe that life in the end always nudges us to look inside so we begin this inner work. That this game of life we all play is primarily for us to integrate lost and unloved aspects of ourselves - to integrate polarity - so we may return to our natural state which is that of total well-being, wholeness, flow, unconditional love, freedom and harmony.
What is known as shadow work - deep, honest self-introspection - is a great way to get started on the healing path. You do not have to do it alone though; psychotherapy and breathwork are great ways to support and facillitate this. Hypnosis and energetic medicine are wonderful complementary tools, too. They allow direct communication with the subconscious mind, therefore have the potential to heal deeper layers (such as parallel realities and quantum timelines) and ultimately, bring about faster results. Any dredging of the past and its lot of painful memories is no longer a necessity either, which can be helpful when healing from the most extreme soul traumas.
Most of us grew up conditioned to undervalue inner work. Yet I have to come to experience that healing our souls is what can cause shifts so profound that the experiences we attract into our lives begin to flip our entire realities. Situations, people and places we perceive as more aligned and positive start appearing into our reality, because we simply have let go of the heavy energetic baggage that was keeping us anchored in the past; because we just raised our electromagnetic resonnance or frequency. The value in taking on this work - which by no means is a walk in the park - often goes far beyond what we can fathom, too, for it always creates ripples of goodness into our families, close relationships, work and even communities, whether we are conscious of them or not.
Anyway, writing to my inner child and allowing myself to be fully seen, authentic and vulnerable with this post was a difficult exercise, yet an eye-opening and deeply healing one. So as much as I intend to inspire and empower you with this very personal share, it is also a lot of love - the unconditional kind - that I am choosing to extend to myself here.
Dear readers, this quarantine period is calling us to go within and extend to ourselves the unconditional love that we are truly worthy and deserving of. More love than ever before.
We are loving awareness manifested,
We are all connected,
Much love and rose blessings to you all,
Dear inner child,
I'm sorry that you believed it was your fault mum and dad got a divorce.
I'm sorry that you thought they didn't try and make it work because you were not loveable enough.
I'm sorry that you felt you couldn't express your pain and cry about it freely.
I'm sorry that you felt rejected, less than sacred and perfect, and deeply abandoned by God then..
I'm sorry that you experienced other men in mum's life after that, that didn't make you feel safe.
I'm sorry that you did not feel like you were enough just as you were to make your parents happy.
I'm sorry that you believed it was your job to make mum feel safe and happy.
I'm sorry that you believed you needed to work hard and achieve a lot to feel worthy, loved and noticed.
I'm sorry that you felt like you didn't belong at school, and had to dim your light to fit in.
I'm sorry that you felt like the black sheep of the family, misunderstood.
I'm sorry that you repeatedly abandonned yourself in relationships, because the fear of more rejection was too hard to bear.
I'm sorry that you needed to entertain toxic relationships to feel like you mattered.
I'm sorry that you broke down when your narcisissist boyfriend left you at 21. Then again when mum died, and when your marriage ended at 32.
I'm sorry that you felt guilty for mum's death because you lost hope that she would eventually recover.
I'm sorry that you felt like you were a bad daughter for living so far away and not able to be more present for her.
I'm sorry that you took on the belief that love was conditional.
I'm sorry that you took on the roles of the victim, caretaker, rescuer, protector and people-pleaser.
I'm sorry that you believed something was wrong with you.
Please forgive me.
Please forgive me for choosing these experiences so we would grow as a soul.
But I am here now, I have remembered.
You are safe, you are loved and I am proud to be you, every single day.
The future is bright, sweet girl. Trust me, the best is yet to come
For the story I am writing for us now is beautiful and full of magic - a story of transformation, transcendance and butterfly wings.
With all my love,